Being diagnosed with a mental illness has recently been something that I see as a gift. I have more compassion for those struggling with mental illness and mental health issues than I’ve ever had before. This is the silver lining for me. Blogging about my struggles in hopes that my story can touch others is truly fulfilling for me. If you are going through or know someone else going through mental health issues, or if you’d just like to learn more, then I pray this post will be helpful.
Unashamed
First off, let me start by saying, there is no shame for anyone suffering from mental health. For years, I stigmatized my mental illness and it’s because of the way so many people in the world view it. It was difficult to come to accept something seen as so strange to so many people. Difficult to accept the fact of needing medication for the rest of my life. But, ya know what? It’s a need that enhances my quality life, and my medication is truly a path of healing for me, so I have accepted it. Only once I truly accepted all this was I able to be kinder to myself and start to make real progress in my mental health goals. For anyone else struggling to accept, I pray you come to terms with it so you can find your better life, too.
Bipolar 1: Diagnosis
Okay, so to begin my story, let’s start with how the diagnosis came about. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 32. I experienced my first psychotic event when I was 29, just months after having my second baby. Doctors had said I had post-partum psychosis. And while that seemed to fit at the time, the multiple psychotic events I would go on to have would show that bipolar fit the bill. It took me 4 years and 3 psychotic episodes to accept my mental illness. I don’t have an anger problem, I would think to myself. My thinking around bipolar was confined to the black and white definition many people see it as today, which is a lack of self-control over emotions, namely anger. I didn’t realize that my frequent low self-esteem was a symptom of bipolar depression. Neither my not wanting to do things too often or not looking for anything to do with my free time.
Mental Breakdown: Psychosis
My first psychosis took place during work. I remember my hair falling out, and I was dressing quite strangely (warm clothes in warm weather, for example). I truly thought at all times that people were talking about me, out to fire me, or even to the strangest extreme, out to get me to deny my faith. It was as if I thought people were caring about my actions, beliefs, and thoughts way more than even possible and that for every one there would be some sort of repercussion. This meant I was running on high anxiety and paranoia for most of the time. Perhaps my most frightening paranoid thought back then was that someone would take my kids away from me.
At times I had thought I was experiencing something rather spiritual which others just could not understand. This was my mania. I would look for signs, find them and connect the dots to different ideas, forming my own very wild opinions and considering them as facts. Auditory and visual hallucinations are common in psychosis, too, and in two of my three experiences, I experienced those as well. A lot of what happened I can’t even remember. This is because in psychosis many times a person can black out and be unaware of what has been happening. My husband told me I said things, very hurtful things, when I was sick. And nope, I do not remember them, sadly.
Family and Psychosis
My most recent episode should have broken my marriage, but it didn’t. I truly saw my husband as my own worst enemy during my most recent psychosis, believing he was dishonest with me and out to take my kids away from me (yes, themes tend to repeat themselves with me). And to think, this is only a small glimpse of what was going on in my mind. Thankfully, I truly felt God’s grace and love through my husband after each event. However, I recognize the hurt feelings I’ve caused him for the things I’ve said or done while ill, and I seek to take responsibility for my mental health to prevent any further hurt from happening.
My husband didn’t ask for any of this, and I recognize that. My kids, as they get older, are now also more aware of my mental health turns. One must understand there is a burden placed on a family when a spouse has mental illness. I’m very aware of this and my husband’s side of things. He does not want to go through another episode with me: me being in the hospital, him alone with the kids trying to keep a brave face that everything is okay, us having to deal with the financial aftermath of a hospital visit, us having to hedge any damage that may have been caused in relationships. It all takes its toll.
My husband feels like he must ensure the security of my mental health but really, there’s nothing he can ultimately do other than check up on me. And so he does. It’s on me to take my meds, be diligent about my mood stability, and reporting any mood changes to my medical caregivers.
He tells me that he doesn’t take these things personally when Im sick but rightfully so, he expects that I manage it to try and prevent psychosis as best as I can. To anyone suffering from a mental illness, I cannot stress to you how important it is to have a partner that will support you in these ways.
How does the psychosis come about?
I’ve learned that my psychosis tends to be stress-induced. I have experienced psychosis both on and off meds. And I’m very prone to going into it during times of high stress. My most recent episode I was off meds because I chose to be so that I could opt for a more natural way to manage my mental health, through eating, supplements, etc (mind you, I was not accepting of my diagnosis at this time, so I was not understanding the full scope of my illness). After a few months off my meds, some stressful situations occurred one after another and sure enough, I slowly escalated and then entered into psychosis.
I have seen that on my meds I can catch myself if I’m starting to slip and then correct the situation to get back on track.
The fear, anxiety, paranoia, depression and mania are all very real for people living with bipolar. I pray I can be stable for a long while before I experience any other psychosis. With therapy and a medical treatment plan in place, my mental illness is highly manageable.
How do I manage my bipolar?
In addition to taking my medication and therapy, I tend to:
- Say “no” a lot. My low motivation to do things means I am very selective about what I put my energy towards.
- Seek God everyday to find peace and gratitude and refocus on what really matters
- Choose to surround myself with those that are accepting and understanding of mental health issues
- Check in with friends and family to let others know about my mental health state, especially when I feel something is off
- Try my best to make time for exercise, no matter what it may be, usually it’s cleaning the house or walking
- Do my best to eat clean because when my body feels better, I’m overall feeling better (and of course we know that certain foods are brain foods!)
I’m looking forward to this year, remaining stable for myself and my family and enjoying a years-long span without a psychosis. Let’s see if this can happen!
Let’s Talk
Have you known anyone that has been through a psychosis? Do you have any questions for me?
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