There is one main part about bipolar disorder that really gets me in this life. The psychosis that comes in? At least my medicine helps with that. The depression? Nope, not that, either. My medicine has stabilized me enough that I don’t have plunging downs. What about the feeling of just not caring about what’s going on? Not that, either.
To me, the worst symptom of bipolar disorder is my lack of motivation. Without motivation for things life is left just feeling so very flat. I have zero drive to do what matters to me, big or small, unimportant or important. For pleasure or business, it does not matter. I have such little motivation that it affects everything – the way my house looks, the approach I take to homeschool my kids, how many activities I choose to take on (or, most likely, how many activities I choose not to take on), my hobbies, and the list goes on.
So, who would I like to be? I’ve always wanted to be the mom that’s cooking everything from scratch. But then I think of the mess and shy away from that because of the energy it would take to clean it up. I would love to be the mom that can go, go, go from one activity to the next but that just ain’t me. If this even exists, I would absolutely love to be that mom that always has a clean house (ha!)… every mom’s goal, right?
*sigh* but for now, I’ll sigh a deep breath of relief that my mental health overall is good. I’ll steep in my gratitude for my life, and I will take things as they come…
This is where acceptance comes into play. I will have to accept that I’m doing the best I can. We bake on occasion, my kids get their activities in (selectively), and I put my energy towards teaching them about God first and foremost. Everything else follows.
That’s the kind of mom I have to be – take it one day at a time, not fill up the books with a bunch of activities, saving my energy for one important thing at a time
… and I think I’m finally okay with that.
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Is there anything about yourself or life that you’ve had to come to terms with?
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